Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Being a Veteran

Having just watched the documentary, Alive Day Memories: From Iraq, as I work on my novel which is loosely based on my family, I am overwhelmed at the sacrifice of soldiers. It is really extraordinary what these patriots have endured and just how brave and beautiful they are. My handsome compassionate 6' 3" dad came back from the Korean War with no physical scars and if you spoke with him on any given day you would never know that he had any. He was impressive: intelligent, creative and striking. (No one could play the piano better; his touch was extraordinary.) People were drawn to him because he loved them.

Dad visited the sick and infirm often and taught us the importance of giving to others. Yet, one day he left my mom alone with twelve children. Although he returned regularly, it was amazing how he was able to divorce himself from our sometimes difficult reality and yet love so many others so selflessly. He even took us along with him to nursing homes where friends of his parents were as we listened to him patiently attend to their concern. He was otherwise very loyal. Dad routinely talked to derelicts, giving them money and food, but did not see to it that we ate daily. Our wealthy relatives would take care of us. Sigh! My brothers are wonderful fathers for the great lessons and failures of our dad. One still struggles that dad left and we are supportive of him. He emulated dad the most as a teen.

When Dad died in the Bay Area when I was a first year graduate student, people were amazed that he had twelve children. He had never spoken of us, yet he told us of them. When he passed and my brothers went to California for his belongings, perfect strangers readily identified my brothers as his sons and spoke of our dad to them. It was amazing. But this was dad. He cared deeply for others and people were drawn to this tall dark handsome man with gentle eyes and physique of an athlete. He was a gentle giant. I can only imagine now how the war must have affected him. He never spoke of it. He was such a young man when he enlisted.

My mother never ever spoke ill of dad and we were taught to love and respect him. She never demanded anything of him which was always a bit strange to me. He would visit and there would be absolutely no tension, except for what I was creating. She also never pinned openly about what he wasn't giving her as a spouse. Mom loved dad dearly and was a fierce advocate for our well-being and his. Where did this leave her? As the youngest of my family, there were things I didn't quite understand. Dad had left for good just when I was born. Although we became close throughout the years, I was not raised in the same house as were my siblings. But my mom's compassion and forgiveness taught me to be compassionate and forgiving. Actually, both my mom and dad taught me these invaluable lessons by both their words and actions.

I was a first year graduate student when dad passed unexpectedly; it was a major blow. I wept silently for quite some time and thought that I would never get over this loss. For someone who never supported me as he should have, although he came to most of my performances since middle school and would talk to me about anything when he visited, the pain was intense, even though he was a bit of an enigma. I miss dad dearly to this very day and honor the gentle solider who must of had many inner scars. May God bless the veterans of war and may we weigh the consequences fully before sending young men and women to war.

10 comments:

septembermom said...

Judith, so much raw emotion here. Thank you for sharing this part of your soul with us. Thinking of you weeping silently after his death made me sad to think of your pain at that moment. Beautifully written about the "gentle soldier" who was your father.

Judith Ellis said...

Thanks, Kelly. With all of his conflicts and shortcomings, my father had so many outstanding qualities and talents. He taught me much about life and love through what he both did and didn't do. In fact, he once said that he would have never imagined in a thousand years that he would have left his family. He seemed to not even understand fully. He had the love of his family and friends, although he was a rather reserved man, really. Human beings are often quite complex. I try very diligently to be non-judgmental, which doesn't mean that I am without strong beliefs. I simply try to show love; love in its application varies. Regarding raw emotions, honesty rules and helps others.

Dave Wheeler said...

Judith,

I know many things have contributed to the terrific-ness that is you and the lessons you have learned in life, not the least of which are those taught by your parents. I can only wonder and would find it most intersting to understand how a person can step away from from their children...to "divorce himself" from your reality. Please know that is in no way being judgemental...it's just something that I personally can't fathom or begin to understand. But your Mom...what an amazing person of strength, charecter, integrity, and purpose. And you and your brothers and sisters...I had only recently begun to understand the impact that single parenthood has on children. A very special story indeed and one that could enrich the lives of many...

You're pretty special Auntie "J"...!!!

Judith Ellis said...

Thanks for your words, Dave. I don't find them judgmental in the very least, my friend. As always, they matter to me. My dad did not even understand fully himself why he did what he did. It haunted him until his death, even though he had our love. I think the Korean War had a great impact on his life and perhaps the pressure he felt as the eldest grandson of a renowned figure. The importance as I see it is not to be judgmental of others because we really don't know what they are experiencing without having truly walked in their shoes. And, yes, my mother was amazing. Imperfect as we all are, but absolutely amazing. Not only was she there for us but for so many other who called her regularly and counseled with her weekly. Yeah, she was an extraordinary mother and woman.

Dave Wheeler said...

Judith,

"The importance as I see it is not to be judgmental of others because we really don't know what they are experiencing without having truly walked in their shoes."

How can something so simple and obvious be so difficult for folks to do?

Judith Ellis said...

Dave - As I see it what's most important is love and respect. We all have our beliefs and opinions, even really strong ones, but our love for others and basic respect for humanity should be our guide when we respond to others. Most times I am successful; sometimes I fail miserably. But the key is to keep trying. So, this is what I continue to do every single day. Love is not hard; humility and deference to others is important, not necessarily to their beliefs but to their humanity. Some people make this very difficult. But love is still the most excellent way.

Corrie Howe said...

Thank you for sharing about your father. My dad was in Vietnam. He never talks about it. I know it affects him deeply. I've always known this, but when he almost died a couple of times during a heart attack and recovery, he talked about being back in 'Nam.

My husband also a veteran of Dessert Storm. Didn't see the same things as my dad, but Scott had the responsibility of navigating an entire fleet of Naval ships through mined waters. He only slept 54 minutes at a time for 51 days. (I know because he said Jonathan's ten months of colic was worse than the war.)

Judith Ellis said...

Corrie - I think sharing is very important. Thanks also for your stories. I honor your father and husband and am grateful for their service. My dad was quite young when he enlisted in the Armed Forces and because he wanted to serve and not fight, he enlisted as a medic. I can only imagine what he witnessed and he was not armed. He went back to Korea a few times with friends he had retained his entire life. I smiled at the thought of colic as being the exact opposite of war. Although this experience is rather trying indeed. My sisters and brothers and their spouses basically moved into the family house for weeks when their first borns arrived. I remember the crying in the night. Oh, my! The great thing is that the whole household was attentive and not only the parents had to awake to care for the babies. Actually, as the youngest I endured the whole scene repeatedly, having 11 older siblings this was no small endurance. I would sometimes get annoyed with the continuous crying, but I got up anyway and did my part.

Dave Wheeler said...

Judith,

Great observation! Seeing as how I'm a zillion decades old it seems, I recall my Mom's Mother teaching me those principles using the terms temperance and tolerance. Temperance being to seek to understand before judging and tolerance being a respect for others and their beliefs that might be different from mine. Humility, deference, and respect for another's humanity. I like your perspective my friend!

Judith Ellis said...

Temperance and tolerance, yes! That's an excellent pair your mom taught. Thanks for that, Dave.